Here’s a bit of news that might be upsetting to some of my readers- or comforting, depending on how you look at it: Nothing the universe does is personal. The world isn’t out to get you, “everyone’s” not out to screw you. The universe and the world are neither cruel nor kind, they just are– and thank God for that.

Understanding and acting on this won’t suddenly make life easier or more manageable either, but it will let you focus your attention, energy, and will on what you can do about it, rather than wishing it wasn’t so. Again, it’s not personal- the universe doesn’t care how you feel about it. It’s waiting for you to decide what you’re gonna do about it.

What Is Radical Acceptance?

In psychology, radical acceptance is the term used for actively deciding to face the world on its own terms. Instead of pining for what should have been and lamenting for what could have been (which are perfectly normal grief reactions, by the way) radical acceptance pulls one out of that grief and says “This is what it is. What now?”

At the winery, this week is the start of the holiday season for us. We’ll apparently be making something like 86% of our monthly revenue in two weeks. The preparations for all these parties and events have already been tiring- masses of food to be prepped and stored, sheets upon sheets of pastries and bite-sized appetizers set up in advance so that we aren’t facing production tasks as well as plating on top of regular restaurant business. In 24 hours, the floodgates open, and the whole kitchen starts running.

It’ll be exhausting and frustrating, but we’ve prepared. We’ve done this before, and learned from last time. That doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing for the week, and it definitely doesn’t mean it won’t feel like a slog at times, but there’s no way forward but through. No time for bitching and baggage- we accept it and move forward. We will Embrace The Suck.

Embracing The Suck

Back in 2019 (oh Matt, you sweet summer child…) I wrote a post on here about identifying and beating Toxic Positivity– the kind of “optimism” that tries to gaslight yourself and others into thinking that if you just look at a situation differently, it’ll be different. Toxic Positivity also makes us blame ourselves for our own perfectly natural responses. “Some people are just negative I guess.” To borrow an idea from Gary John Bishop, these are the people who see someone’s house burning down and insist they should be grateful for the opportunity to warm their hands in the blaze.

The opposite of this is what’s been called “Embracing The Suck.” It means accepting the situation as it is- including its impact on us- and then saying “This sucks, but that doesn’t change how I will address it.”

It doesn’t matter how it happened. It happened. Deal with it now, debrief later.
It doesn’t matter whose fault it is or isn’t- it’s happening now and to everyone. Deal with it now, accountability to follow.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling what you’re feeling, but the clock is ticking. Eventually, you have to make the choice- using your energy to deal with the problem or using it whining about how unfair it all is.

And no, this isn’t a “Life’s unfair, get used to it” talk. That is the most heartbreaking, defeatist, bit of popular “wisdom” I’ve ever heard in my life, and it is absolute bullshit. Yes, life can be “unfair”- embracing the suck is how to start making it fair. You look life in the eye and say “Fine, we’ll do it your way.”

What Does Radical Acceptance/ Embracing the Suck Look Like?

Radical acceptance means accepting the world isn’t out to get you. It’s not You vs. Creation, it’s You vs. your situation, and it’s your move.

It means responding, not blaming, and ownership, not guilt or shame. When you assume control and responsibility for your situation instead of moaning, blaming it on the big bad world and making a victim of yourself, you get the power to deal with it. Even if it’s the result of your own decisions, there’s no moral courage or strength in stewing. “I did this, now I get to undo it.”

It means facing what’s in front of you, rather than wishing it was something else. When it’s winter, do you go outside in your shorts and sandals and demand it be 86 degrees in January. Of course not- you put on your coat and boots, take out the blankets, and wait for it to get warm again. Why would you face the other hardships in life any differently?

Radical Acceptance and Embracing The Suck aren’t about surrendering, submitting, giving up, or resignation. It’s about looking your troubles and hardships in the eye, cracking your knuckles and saying “Have it your way.”

Stay Classy,