Spruce Tips and Rum Sips

I get so tired of this world sometimes.

The ignorance, the arrogance, and the eager cruelty on parade into our eyes and brains (whether in caution or praise) gets to be way too much after a while.

Earlier this week was Passover. We didn’t do a Seder this year because timing and activity didn’t work out in our favor. Instead, Emily made chicken satay for dinner. I sat on the porch typing away at this piece after having scrolled through far too much nonsense. That’s one reason this blog post is so late- I simply haven’t had the bandwidth after coming back from Philadelphia.

I finished a small glass of grog (because rum is alright for Passover and I had rice lager waiting to be paired with dinner) and I chatted with a dear friend about the logistics of making Sephardic matzo for a change- as opposed to the hard, cracker-like Ashkenazi matzah I’ve had my entire life.

I wore white linen, watched the light change on Mount Tabor as the sun went down, and I’m listened to Ladino music as I wrote (but Zac Brown Band’s tribute to Jimmy Buffett, “Pirates and Parrots,” is still in my head.)

I spent the day in the sun. Here’s what I have to say about it all.

Glad I finally found a tweed vest that goes with that hat. Thanks Goodwill!
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A Brief Homecoming

“A man would know the end he goes to, but he cannot know it if he does not turn, and return to his beginning, and hold that beginning in his being. If he would not be a stick whirled and whelmed in the stream, he must be the stream itself, all of it, from its spring to its sinking in the sea.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea

I knew that a lot had changed at my old culinary school before I turned off the Black Horse Pike in Mays Landing into the campus. There were better and brighter signs on the road to the parking lots, for starters. I peeked down drives slowly, trying to remember which lots were for students and faculty and which ones a visitor would go unnoticed in.

The larger one in the back of the campus- now shaded by sun covers that doubled as solar energy panels- fit the bill and it was right near the main entrance that I rarely used as a student. Students always went in a side door near a smaller lot, closer to the majority of the classrooms and kitchens. Not that too many young culinarians still used it. Class sizes apparently plummeted due to COVID and the Culinary Industry Brain Drain. Even coming from a community college, culinary school wasn’t a winning proposition for young people tight on money and prospects. It was a place now for two kinds of students- the passionate, and the lost.

Fortunately, those are exactly the kinds of folks that have kept the industry moving for years. I walked up the wide, low concrete steps and pushed open the door. Rather than noise from busy kitchens and clamoring students in pressed white uniforms, I’m greeted by silence- and the mingled smells of butter, hot fat, flour, bread ovens, and cold vegetables. I can never forget that smell. Some things haven’t changed at all.

Welcome back, Matt.”

The Academy of Culinary Arts
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Back On The Road

I promised myself that when the weather started getting warmer, I’d go back to running.

12 years ago, when I was getting in shape for the first time, runs were the means to the end of getting to my little 24 hour gym in Somers Point. I realized the route was short enough to walks, and after enough walks it became a gentle warmup/cooldown run.

When I moved away from the Shore and into the Pinelands, the runs took on a bit more meaning. The runs became a part of my workout regimen I both looked forward to and feared a bit. I’d run a zig-zag path through a few miles of town, at least once passing through a stretch of woodland that was pitch dark at 5am. Coyotes and other animals weren’t uncommon- on my runs I’d find patches of fur or feathers where a predator had gotten lucky.

I loved the quiet more, though. I loved the fog and mist, and how easily I could fall into “the Zone.” I just needed to keep my legs moving, and I felt like I was part of it all. Like the coyotes and dark couldn’t touch me, because as long as I kept moving, I was one of them.

Nature loves courage, Terrence McKenna said. I would run through fog, dark, and rain. I would run in baking heat or snow.

The weather is warmer now, and my 37-year-old body is questioning whether I can do it all again. Whether I can really bounce back a 4th time. I don’t know if I can, but I know I’m going to try- and part of that will be reminding myself why I loved it in the first place.

Picture from behind of someone running down a wooded path
Photo by Chris G on Pexels.com
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Checking In- Don’t Let Monstrous Times Make You A Monster

Where are you Matt?
What are you feeling?
Check in- what’s happening now?

This is the litany of questions that has gone through my head on repeat for the last few weeks. It’s one of the tools I use to ground and re-center myself when I catch my thoughts ruminating or spiraling.

You don’t “hate everything,” Matt. You are tired and sad. Hate and anger are easier to feel and parse than pain.

This is the other mantra I’ve found myself repeating over and over when I find myself slipping into depression. That’s been increasing over the last few months. The usual anxieties and tribulations of life seem to magnify themselves when you constantly poach yourself in a broth of bad news. It feels like everything hurts, and the world is too hard and painful to keep being kind in.

I insist on continuing to be kind, though.
My core values remain Patience and Compassion.
My “Way of the Floured Hand” dictates that “I choose love, I chose love, and I will always choose love.”
“It’s Chaos; Be Kind.”

I know that ideals like this will always be worth it in the end, always mebut that doesn’t mean it’ll always feel good.

Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings saying "I feel thin.. like butter scraped over too much bread."
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Our Insecurities Can Speak Out Of Turn

My exercise routine has been yielding interesting results lately. After injuring my lats by increasing weight too fast on overhead presses, I decided to switch it up and give Romanian Deadlifts a shot, and while I will be going back to running in the spring I really enjoy just taking long walks in Mount Tabor Park.

The Romanian Deadlifts don’t seem to be doing much for my weight, but I’ve noticed I’m able to touch my toes more easily. The walks, similarly, have become less about getting exercise in and finding time to be quiet and mindful and piece my way through life.

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