Something I’ve come to learn and love OR hate about myself depending on the day is that I seem to have turned into the guy that everyone tells everything to.

It’s the part of working on yourself that I think broadcasts to everyone around you. As you learn to become kinder and safer for yourself, you radiate that out and become kinder and safer for others, and others respond.

Part of it is that, barring imminent danger, I’ve developed a pretty solid vault. I don’t pass along what people tell me, even when someone else comes along and I find myself biting my tongue- “If I could tell this person what so-and-so told me earlier, it could make things so much easier.” I’m no one’s messenger pigeon though, and I’m not gonna break trust for something as trivial as those conflicts usually are (in the grand scheme, anyway.)

It’s not that I’m really good at keeping a secret- it’s that I often either quickly forget or say “you do you” and figure it doesn’t concern me. I’m not a snitch, but I’m also no schoolyard hero.

The bigger part of it is something my therapist described to me, an idea in Tibetan Buddhism called drala– an energy that can infuse people, places and even things that isn’t “good” or “bad”- it simply is, and all it means is “take a breath, you are safe here.”

Above…AND Beyond

My therapist as I get along great. Not only is he half-Jewish, he’s got the same kind of background in Eastern Philosophy that I do, so we have a veritable library of concepts and ideas to use to communicate what’s going on in my head.

He brought up drala some time ago when I was still at the pie shop and trying to make peace with my situation while still trying to change it. When he asked why I kept baking at all and why insisted on putting up with all I do, I found myself saying something to the tune of “It’s a hard enough and bullshit-enough world. I don’t want to be another reason someone believes it’s all bullshit. I want people who work for me- or even just those who eat my food- to feel like this is a good thing. That this is a right and safe place, and that anything else out there can wait. I can’t fix everything, but I want people to feel like they have a chance to breathe.

At this point, my therapist nodded and asked if I knew anything about drala.

As he (and I) understood it, Drala means “above the enemy”- but not in the sense of advantage or superposition. It’s more in the sense of being above HAVING an enemy. Above the dichotomy of having an opponent entirely. Above the needing to oppose or be opposed, beyond the scope of conflict. Something like the negative space around Yin and Yang.

Reading that paragraph over, I’m kinda realizing some things need to be described rather than defined, so try this:

Imagine a place (or maybe it’s a person) who just makes you feel safe. Not necessarily an ideologically aligned person or even an especially controlled space, but you feel at ease in their proximity.

Maybe it’s a place in your favorite park or along a nature trail where it all just feels right. Maybe it’s that person you know with a big smile, kind eyes, and who doesn’t say much but also never seems anxious or flustered. Good vibes radiate out from them like sunbeams and can’t help but soothe your soul.

“Good” here isn’t moralistic or an alignment either, it’s the feeling of things being correct and right as they already are. It’s not that nothing CAN hurt you here or in their presence, but that nothing is going to try– and you can just be at peace a moment.

That space, that person, or whatever it is, has drala. The pause in the infinite conflict. The chance to breathe. Not neutral, but a space where neutrality has simply never needed to be. All things are as they are meant to be and you don’t need to do anything about it but be– and if I can be someone that shoves that kind of energy into the world for those who need it, I am all aboard.

You vs Me… or Us vs It

Having said all that, I’ll crack my vault the tiniest bit and let you in on something only because I think it’s a nearly universal truth.

Because everyone tells me everything, I can tell you right now- everyone complains about the same shit, and then each other.

I won’t pretend that interpersonal conflicts can’t or don’t exist- some folks simply don’t jive, and either we get to the bottom of it and neutralize it, or we manage it. In my experience though, so often the issue is THE ISSUE, and one party/their reaction to The Issue or the other is just a convenient face for it.

How the hell is a line cook gonna deal with frustrations over the schedule or pay, after all? The chef will point to the higher-ups in far off offices elsewhere, so what can be done? “If I’ve got to sweat my bones out in this dump, it’s gonna be on MY TERMS, and THIS motherfucker who swipes my towels is fucking with that.”

Sauté Cook Towelswiper is getting ground under the same wheel and though the towels were communal- for them, our angry line cook has suddenly decided to start being a douchebag. What’s going on? Fuck it, he wants to be shitty, I can be shitty back.

Service gets tense. “Turning and turning in the widening gyre… the center cannot hold…” Shit starts in earnest, the bosses get pulled in, everyone gets scolded back to their corners, nothing resolved- when there was little if anything to resolve in the first place.

Sometimes people have to be set straight. That’s evident. In cases like these, though, it really turns into “This person is a convenient outlet for my anger and a Face to but on my Problem that I can punch if need be.”

Drala, a place or person that has it at least, says “CHILL. Our problem isn’t each other. Our problem is the Problem. Now sit down for a second and think- nothing is going try and bother you here, so take a breath, calm down, EVALUATE, and THINK.”

If I can, I’d like to cultivate and spread drala as much as possible in my life. I can’t fix everything, but if I can I want to give everyone space and security to stop, evaluate, and think. As it happens, I seem to do it right now while making pastries. That’ll work for the time being I hope.

Stay Classy,