My exercise routine has been yielding interesting results lately. After injuring my lats by increasing weight too fast on overhead presses, I decided to switch it up and give Romanian Deadlifts a shot, and while I will be going back to running in the spring I really enjoy just taking long walks in Mount Tabor Park.

The Romanian Deadlifts don’t seem to be doing much for my weight, but I’ve noticed I’m able to touch my toes more easily. The walks, similarly, have become less about getting exercise in and finding time to be quiet and mindful and piece my way through life.

I’ll admit I’m a sucker for a good aesthetic, especially if it provides the “vibes” for something I want to do. Getting ready to walk in the park is almost as enjoyable as the walk itself. What’s the weather like? If it’s chilly, is it “Irish sweater” or “long wool coat” chilly? If it’s raining, do I want to wear my raincoat or the tan denim cloak I made?

A walking stick is a given. My favorite is a wooden one I bought from a second-hand shop then put a copper shodding and brass raven skull on the front. I don’t have any kind of a limp, so I honestly tell people it’s just because I like having one. It feels companionable, and it can certainly be useful going up and down the hilly roads on Portland on long walks.

I’ll usually bring some small trinkets along in a hip bag too, for if the mood strikes me along the way. A notebook and pen for writing down thoughts or journaling, a pocket knife, my pipe and some good tobacco for if I want a quiet smoke (maybe twice a month,) and my phone and headphones for if I want to listen to something (increasingly rarely.)

What is all this in service of? Who am I going to all this effort to be seen by? The answer is no one. It’s just me– the me I want to act like and perceive myself as. Is it authentic? Absolutely- it’s who I am and want to be just then. Another day, another time might find me in my denim jacket and black jeans covered in menacing-looking and rude pins (at least, until you look closer and realize how many of them are nerdy stuff or say things like “I love knitting”, and “Fully Vaccinated- Bring on the Hugs!”) I may have many styles, but they are all very much me.

The heart and soul of these walks is increasingly self-awareness, mindfulness, and metacognition. As I was telling a friend the other day, you spend more time with yourself and your mind than anyone else in your life, so it’s worth it to learn to enjoy your own company.

In my pursuits to reclaim my weight loss success and keep myself balanced amid the constant nonsense of the world, I realized I’d lost sight of that a bit. Even if I was “talking to myself like I would a struggling friend,” I wasn’t exactly being gracious or understanding in those moments. I was pushing myself too hard, encouraging unreasonable goals, and then having to pick myself back up over and over when I failed rather than just letting myself have smaller goals and scale up.

The fact is I will probably not get down to 165 lbs again. That was my goal weight I achieved ten years ago. At 37, trying to get back there will be a longer and harder process. I no longer have the same metabolism and energy reserves I did, and this body I insist on punishing for not waking up spry and ready every day has seen some shit. Covid twice. Kidney surgery. A pandemic, a mental breakdown, and new medication that includes weight gain and carbohydrate cravings as side effects but which keeps my brain from spiraling into an anxiety-riddled mess.

This is unfortunate enough, but the fact is that we tend to judge people most harshly on the things we are insecure about in ourselves. It’s a form of mental protection that’s difficult to catch yourself on. “I may not be as skinny as I want to be, but at least I’m not that person…” It’s the same when we judge ourselves for needing help. You can’t place judgment unidirectionally- in placing judgement on yourself for receiving help, you place judgment on others when you offer help too.

Most of us would read that and say “Of course not! I’d never judge someone else for needing help, and I’d certainly never judge someone in a different situation!” Then why do you do it to yourself? If I can treat my own self that way, that unconsciously impacts how I treat others. That’s something I never want to do or be- so it needs to start with me.

My body has dealt with a lot of crap over the last ten years and handled it all admirably. I can’t act like it’s suddenly “betrayed” me by aging. Instead of focusing on a number on a scale, I need to focus more on quality of life. I can still run a good pace, walk long distances without being out of breath, and I can lift and bend well enough to do all the things I need and want to do. That’s not nothing.

Can I stand to lose some weight? Sure- but instead of demanding the 50 lbs of the last 10 years suddenly vanish, I should focus on just losing the 20 that would make my favorite jacket fit better.

Even more, I need to keep an eye on my thoughts. Where attention goes, energy flows- and I need to focus my energy on more important things than making a number go down.

Stay Classy,