“The harvest is passed, the summer is finished, yet we are not saved.”
– Jeremiah 8:20

“Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right/ here I am Stuck in the Middle with You.”
– Stealer’s Wheel

Surprising no one, when you make the call to leave extraneous noise behind, you are left with a lot of time alone with your thoughts. You get to piece together how and what you feel in the absence of others. You redefine who you are and who you want to be.

That redefinition happens in my rocking chair over some whiskey and a bit of knitting and a horror movie, in the car to or from work, or in my gym during cardio. More than meditation, those become my time for me. Without every randos bathroom thoughts on human rights and global macroeconomics corkscrewing their way into my brain, I come back to “What’s important to me,” “How do I feel about it,” and “What are my limits and boundaries of support for such things.”

I am, after all, a leftist Jew. If it isn’t folks in red hats hopped up on Great Replacement Theory that think making trouble for me and Emily will “make America great again,” it’s some mouthy white kids in keffiyehs who think pushing in my face will help “free Palestine.”

In about a week, though, 99% of the United States will wind up doing whatever comes next on Extra Hard Mode. Meditations and ruminations won’t be worth much. What’ll be worth more is actions on the micro-scale.

This Isn’t Normal

I have carried a pocketknife on me for as long as I can remember. I feel positively naked when I don’t have one going through the airport or carelessly forgotten on the way to work.

It’s a companionable weight in the right pocket of my jeans, and I have a variety of knives for- believe it or not- aesthetic purposes. All of them for utility, of course. They are meant and designed for their work of nipping plants for foraging, cutting bits of threat or paper, opening boxes, or prying out the occasional splinter. It’s the Boy Scout in me- “always carry a knife, keep it clean and sharp.” How the thing looks and it’s design, on the other hand, can be left up to how I want to dress and whether having a visible clip vs. a semi-discreet bulge in a pocket is desirable.

Recently, however, I have felt the need to add a beautifully crafted sheath knife to my usual day-off accoutrements. I manage to keep it discreet- attached to the inside of my belt, tucked just behind my right hip at an angle, and hidden from view beneath a sweater fold or shawl or hoodie.

To date, I have never once needed to pull it out of its sheath. Putting it on my belt before going somewhere that isn’t my work, however, is recognizing a truly unpleasant reality- that there are people who’s tribalistic politics have overtaken their morals, and I may need to fight to keep myself safe.

I don’t even care if its an overreaction- I’d rather have it on hand, never need it, and potentially make some people nervous than not have it, need it, and wind up injured or worse. If personal emotional constitution was a communal responsibility, weapons wouldn’t exist in the first place. The fact is that I am a Jew and a leftist, and there is an aisle-spanning minority of this country for whom I am not a human being.

When we accept this as a normal state of affairs- that ideals and principles are luxuries to be conditionally applied, and personal identity must be subsumed to a group on pain of excommunication or personal danger- we are a failed society.

Life in Micro

In an old “Peanuts” comic, Linus yells aloud “I LOVE HUMANITY” then grumbles “It’s PEOPLE I can’t stand.”

In my experience, it’s a bit of the inverse and a bit of both. Brene Brown reminds us “It’s hard to hate people up close.” The people in my life- those who have chosen to remain part of my life- are good. I talk with them. They listen. They respect me, and treat me like a human being. Strapping on that knife when I step out into the public, I’m not thinking about them.

Who then am I thinking of? Some faceless zealot in a keffiyeh or a red ball cap? Some damned fool who allowed their identity to be subsumed to The Cause ™️? A Neo-Nazi? A brown-skinned terrorist screaming about “death to the Jews?”

Yes and No, because all of that is human. It’s in them, in my friends, and in me. Denying it would be dehumanizing them and myself. How then would I be any “better?”

I’d be alive, maybe– that’s a big one. But beyond that, nothing.

Living outside of the noise means living outside of the dehumanizing influence of technology. Even at it’s BEST, that human being with a lifetime of thoughts, feelings, experiences and ideas on the other end of a post is just… lines of text. No heart, no soul, nothing to hurt. Just Evil Speech with No Tongue.

I spend more time looking at peoples faces these days. I spend more time trying to refurbish the “bad neighborhood” parts of my own mind and conscience.

It can be a downer, but it’s where the good shit is too- and I’ll take it if it’s real. It’s where my friends faces are, and their real voices and real laughter. It’s where kind strangers are and even strangers just trying to navigate their own worlds.

It’s where food and patience and grace live when the screen is gone.

Stay Classy,