Would you have wanted you (as you are now) in your life when you were a kid?

I know it’s not always wise to start off blogs with a question like this, especially not one that “buries the lead.” Normally I try to start off a bit more gently- a good anecdote that puts the topic in context, or generally coming at a deep topic sideways. In this case, though, I feel like any attempt to answer a loaded question like this can only be given in story form. Ultimately, it makes us check in on our own stories. Has time actually conferred wisdom and maturity? Did we become the mentors and guides we would have wanted?

I don’t know, but I hope so and I’m always trying. That’s where stories help- we use them to understand character and how we write our own every day.

After enduring pain and suffering, there’s two ways people come out of it. They either say “No one should have to endure what I did,” or “I had to suffer, why shouldn’t those who come after?” In other words, you come away with empathy or spite, and it shapes your actions and worldview accordingly. It’s the difference between trying to heal and clinging to pain, and no one said you can’t be both depending on context.

That’s where I fall, I think. I know I cling to the pain of some things and find it hard to forgive old wrongs, but I also know I try to learn from that pain and not let it continue.

Empathy comes from not just hoping others are kind when you need it, but knowing how it feels to be treated unkindly AND not wanting others to experience it. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I will not be the people who hurt me” you are healing-and that’s not something to take lightly.

A year or so ago, I was reading the Earthsea Cycle by Ursula K. LeGuin, one of my favorite fantasy series. I was thinking about the characters and how much I admired the qualities of some when I had this thought-

“I know how to write and play a good character in Dungeons and Dragons– what if I wrote myself down the way I want to be? Then I’d have something on paper- a reminder of the things that matter to me, and what I should strive toward.”

I opened the Notes app on my phone and thought about some of the questions I’d ask myself when creating a new character. Everyone has their own method, but I like to ask seemingly off-beat questions that tell more about the character’s inner life than writing a narrative can. Things like:

• How do they dress?
• How do they bathe themselves?
• What do they keep in their pockets?
• What do they do to relax by themselves?
• What are their daily routines?

That last question was the big one for me- what you do daily becomes your habit, which becomes your character. I titled the note in my app “What Does Matt Do Every Day” and started to make a list of the qualities and habits I wanted to see in myself.

It started with simple small habits and behaviors I wanted to start- “He does at least two Duolingo lessons.” He gets up and out of bed on time every day.” “He exercises. daily, reads daily, meditates daily, and keeps track of his diet so he’ll lose the weight he gained over the last few years.”

That opened the floodgates, and I started typing down more intangible things- goals and ideals I wanted to remind myself I wanted to adopt:

• “He has a Warrior mindset. He doesn’t panic or react, he responds. He knows equanimity is the confidence he wants.”
• “When he screws up, he talks to himself like a struggling friend, not a failure.”
• “He does his best every day to be the best husband, manager, pastry chef, friend, son, and man he knows how to be.”
• “His Core Values are Patience and Compassion. Everything he says, does, and believes aligns with these and when he acts outside them, he knows he’s not being true to himself.”

Deep waters to be sure… but that’s what introspection is when you really get into it. Introspection, shadow work… it’s all about learning to look intensely at yourself and not flinch.

In recent years, I’m honestly proud to be someone that people can look at like a big brother- a safe, comforting, occasionally insightful presence in their lives. I’m honored when people tell me I’m “wholesome” or a good friend or a good listener- I try to be those things. In that way, I definitely think I try to be the person that I needed growing up.

I want to be patient for the kid who didn’t know the meaning of the word. I want to be helpful for the kid who never felt like he could ask for help, and compassionate for the younger me who didn’t know how to accept kindness gracefully (I still need to remind myself to just let people be kind to me and say “thank you.”)

I think I can, as long as I can keep stepping back and asking myself “Is this in-character for Matt?”

Stay Classy,