What’s Another Eulogy? My Non-Review of Roadrunner

Until about 5AM this morning, this week’s blog post was going to be about something completely different. I was going to write about taste, snobbishness, and keeping it in check.

But last night, Em and I decided to go to our first movie in a theater in over a year. It was a toss-up between Black Widow and Roadrunner, and Em decided she could see Black Widow another time. She wanted to see Roadrunner with me. We were both glad for that because in the back of the Laurelhurst Theater, over pizza, popcorn, and spilled beer, we both cried our eyes out.

I came home with mixed emotions and tried to write that blog post about snobbishness… but as of 5 am, aware of the discourse and controversies surrounding the movie, I knew I need to write this all out while it was still fresh in my mind. One of the problems with being a writer is that words vanish from your mind faster than feelings in your heart, so here we go.

One last story from my beloved doomed bastard of a hero, Uncle Tony.

Glad for the hat brim and lighting here- you cant see how red my eyes are.
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Clear Your Space, Clear Your Mind

I am definitely not a “neat freak.” Cleaning up my desk and bedside area today were proof enough of that.

A garbage bag was filled with old mail, flyers, documents I thought were too important to throw out (until I realized that I didn’t need three year old insurance mailers,) and probably every time slip and receipt I’ve gotten in the last two years. Some actually important stuff was moved elsewhere, and my desk now faces a wall rather than out into the room. The floor got vacuumed, the surfaces wiped down, and reorganized.

Yes, I am writing this from a corner table at Belmont Station with a short beer at my side (I did promise myself, after all, and rewards are important) but much like a kitchen, cleaning up your workspace (and keeping it that way!) may do more for your productivity and motivation than all the little quote calendars filling your waste bin.

See? Even an actual trash panda can clean.
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Getting Back to “Okay”

When I woke up, I couldn’t tell where the nightmare stopped and reality began. It was all the same.

Imagine having a radio in your head, cranked up to full blast, and the stations changing every few seconds. Wave after crashing wave of gibberish, so loud in your mind you can barely think to breathe.
Your heart pounds through your chest, oxygen seems to stop working, and it’s all you can do to stop from screaming because you can’t get enough air in to make a sound.

Even when it finally stopped, I didn’t know how to roll over and explain it to Emily, who had just gotten in to bed beside me. Any words I wanted to say felt like they first had to come down a long tunnel to get to my brain and then out of my mouth. At 35 years old, I buried my face in my wife’s shoulder and sobbed until the words finally arrived.

I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I couldn’t make my brain stop. It felt like I was losing my mind.”
Emily reached over and held me. “You’re fine. It was an anxiety attack. I know how those feel.”

Animated line drawing of a person with bags under their wide eyes, clutching their head and nodding back and forth in panic.
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It’s All Energy- Personal, Physical, Financial, and Deciding Where It All Goes

If there is one rule I’ve learned that has radically transformed my life, it’s the Ten Words that form the heart of my book “Blood, Sweat, and Butter-“

You Always Have Time For The Things You Make Time For.”

The collary and counterpart to this best expressed with the phrase, “Where attention goes, energy flows.”

That doesn’t just mean your personal energy… and your bank account will tell you it’s not just some freaky woo-woo stuff. The sooner you learn about where you are putting your time, your attention, your money- in other words, your energy, the sooner you start making wiser decisions about it.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
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“Turning On”- Flow State and Moments of Zen

Running, baking professionally, and writing have become very similar for me in a few ways. Namely, the fact that I don’t always WANT to do them until I start doing them.
There’s the “work”/required aspect to them now- the feeling that all three of these things that I unequivocally love to do are now in some way required to be done on a regular basis raises a low-key kind of cold dread, and I have lately found myself trying to put them off or do something else first.

No, it’s not the best discipline to be sure. Discipline is a muscle. It needs to be exercised and flexed in order to stay strong, so when I’ve gone on runs or sat down to write lately, I haven’t been “in the mood.” There’s been an attitude of “Ok, I said I was going to do this. I want to do this. I need to do this and will feel bad if I don’t, so just do it.”

That’s how it starts… and then something clicks.
The sound of my fingers clacking on the keyboard, the cold air in my face, or the buzz of a busy kitchen and people asking me questions somehow reroutes my thoughts. It stills them. Focuses them. It’s no longer a question of “mood”- just a fact of being.

When you slip into flow state, (a.k.a. “The Zone”), the past and future vanish. There is only the Present, and the Work- and it’s different for everyone.

Photo by Shiva Smyth on Pexels.com
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