Go far enough down a rabbit hole, and you’ll find more than Wonderland. No subject or history happens in a vacuum and, if you are curious enough, you’ll find links to people, moments, movements, and concepts you might not have thought possible.
I’m reading an oddly engaging book that is, ostensibly, about a famous sibling rivalry in Battle Creek, Michigan at the dawn of the 20th century. The book is also about American foodways of the time, the history of medicine, and the beliefs of various Christian sects in America- namely the Millerites, the Grahamites, and the Seventh-Day Adventists.
You might think that’s a little far afield for a book on sibling rivalry- until you realize that the brothers in question were Dr. John Harvey and Will Kellogg. Together, they created the “wellness” industry, pioneered the mass production of food… and so helped give 21st-century weirdos something else to obsess over.
I’m writing this post while sitting at a beautiful new desk in the corner of my bedroom. It’s a 1940s Chippendale reproduction secretary desk- the kind that opens outward and contains cubbies, drawers, nooks, and secret compartments inside. It’s seen better days, but except for a little hardware and some polishing, the desk is in excellent condition.
It’s the kind of desk that fits my “dark academia hobbit” vibe perfectly. Sitting down at it just makes me want to write, and even better- I got it for free off of someone’s curb. It belonged to the original owner’s grandmother and it’s just “had its time with them.” They were glad it was being adopted by a writer though instead of winding up in a landfill.
I bring it up because, in the last week or so, various aspects of my life have turned for the better. I’m finally starting to lose weight again, my money management has improved so that I’m actually able to save again, and I’ve successfully pitched two new desserts at work in addition to getting a cost-of-living pay increase.
My dad would say “Don’t question it, just say thanks and carry on.” It’s a typically Jewish superstitious mindset- “When good things happen, don’t question it and don’t express too much happiness or it’ll all go away.” I catch myself in that all the time. I rarely say “everything’s great”- it’s always “I’m doing alright.” “Things could always be better” as a Jewish mental/emotional/spiritual/supernatural insurance against things getting worse.
I am starting to question and wonder about this, though, simply because this isn’t the first time it’s happened. A feeling of something “clicking” into place and unlocking a cosmic level-up. The best that I can tell, it’s because success cascades, and “winning” once can inspire you to succeed in other areas, consciously or not.
A better computer that can fit nicely inside with the front closed will be next, but you have to admit this is classy and cozy as hell.
I promised myself that when the weather started getting warmer, I’d go back to running.
12 years ago, when I was getting in shape for the first time, runs were the means to the end of getting to my little 24 hour gym in Somers Point. I realized the route was short enough to walks, and after enough walks it became a gentle warmup/cooldown run.
When I moved away from the Shore and into the Pinelands, the runs took on a bit more meaning. The runs became a part of my workout regimen I both looked forward to and feared a bit. I’d run a zig-zag path through a few miles of town, at least once passing through a stretch of woodland that was pitch dark at 5am. Coyotes and other animals weren’t uncommon- on my runs I’d find patches of fur or feathers where a predator had gotten lucky.
I loved the quiet more, though. I loved the fog and mist, and how easily I could fall into “the Zone.” I just needed to keep my legs moving, and I felt like I was part of it all. Like the coyotes and dark couldn’t touch me, because as long as I kept moving, I was one of them.
“Nature loves courage,”Terrence McKenna said. I would run through fog, dark, and rain. I would run in baking heat or snow.
The weather is warmer now, and my 37-year-old body is questioning whether I can do it all again. Whether I can really bounce back a 4th time. I don’t know if I can, but I know I’m going to try- and part of that will be reminding myself why I loved it in the first place.
Where are you Matt? What are you feeling? Check in- what’s happening now?
This is the litany of questions that has gone through my head on repeat for the last few weeks. It’s one of the tools I use to ground and re-center myself when I catch my thoughts ruminating or spiraling.
You don’t “hate everything,” Matt. You are tired and sad. Hate and anger are easier to feel and parse than pain.
This is the other mantra I’ve found myself repeating over and over when I find myself slipping into depression. That’s been increasing over the last few months. The usual anxieties and tribulations of life seem to magnify themselves when you constantly poach yourself in a broth of bad news. It feels like everything hurts, and the world is too hard and painful to keep being kind in.
My exercise routine has been yielding interesting results lately. After injuring my lats by increasing weight too fast on overhead presses, I decided to switch it up and give Romanian Deadlifts a shot, and while I will be going back to running in the spring I really enjoy just taking long walks in Mount Tabor Park.
The Romanian Deadlifts don’t seem to be doing much for my weight, but I’ve noticed I’m able to touch my toes more easily. The walks, similarly, have become less about getting exercise in and finding time to be quiet and mindful and piece my way through life.
The Black Hat Baker 